sigh. just when i thought i was finally moving on, here he goes again, texting me for the past few days, i did not bother to reply --- until yesterday. and it was one of the biggest mistakes i have made in my life. he keeps asking whether i have a grudge on him. i told them i don't have any. at first it was smooth sailing, we talked (although there was a liitle bit of sarcasm on my part). he told me that he wants to work things out. how can we work things out like this? we simply can't. and so came our worst exchange of messages ever. never in my life did it ever occur to me that he would be able to say those words to me. although he said 'sorry' after saying that (he jumped to the wrong conclusion). still, the damage has already been done. and this is the worst kind of damage that he has caused so far. far worst than the break-up, far worst than finding out that he found someone else that fast --- just days after the break up. this has got to hurt the most. i'm not going to put in my entry what he said to me through text messages because it still hurt. and what added insult to injury was the fact that he even had the nerve to say those things to me. wow. i just can't believe it. i have to congratulate him the moment i see him.
However, being THE 'good' girl that i am, (i have to stop being a good girl for once. i mean, really. so that i wouldn't be taken for granted anymore.) I sent him a final text message. devoid of any anger, devoid of any sarcasm and resentment. i told him that we have to stop holding on to each other. because i think the reason why we kept on hurting each other (until now), was that we don't want to lose each other in a way. no matter how selfish it would seem, we don't want to lose each other. somehow, or maybe unconsciously, we think that we could save what we have left in the future. but it has to stop. even though it hurts and will hurt. it has to stop. because if it doesn't i wouldn't be able to move forward. i'll always dwell on the past, and i'll always remember the pain he caused me.
that's why i took the last ounce of strength i had in me last night and told him that i am letting him go. finally, i am letting us go. i thanked him for everything. i wished him all the best, and i hoped that he would be truly happy. because that's the kind of person that i am. no matter how much i wanted to treat anyone badly, i still can't do it. i'd take the step, but i'd retreat and i'd still feel sorry even if i shouldn't. even if they deserved it, i still feel sorry. i am still the one taking blow, the one taking the fall. sure, it hurt. it still hurt and i know it will hurt. but i have to take a step forward or else i'd be stuck. that is why i am finally letting him go. i am finally letting it all go.
*** random thoughts @
3:58 PM
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
wow..i can't believe it. all of a sudden i just felt light. i'm quite relieved and happy right now. i have the greatest friends. haha. yesterday my friend jen treated me to a yellow cab snack and lent me a book which i'm reading right now. it was a funny book, i never thought that self-help books are fun to read. (it was my first time read a self-help book anyway.)
and then i was here in the shop (enjoying SM's free wi-fi) when two of my best guy friends (magno and lance) gave me a visit, i missed them a lot although we see each other often. i guess that's how you know that you have real friends. when they just show up unexpectedly. or they show up IMMEDIATELY after sending them a message to 'get away'. (which jen and i planned.hehehe)
we were supposed to watch ironman2 (yes, i haven't watched it yet. harhar) but they have to be the 'boss' of their own businesses. so we'll watch it tomorrow instead. =)
*** random thoughts @
2:53 PM
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
i just had my lost driver's license substituted for 800 pesos. i thought there would be no more waiting time for me but apparently i was wrong.. and i wasted money. haaay. i guess some people just had to have it rough. it was not a long wait but just the thought of waiting for that stupid license annoys me. first i had to get an affidavit of loss, then, i had to get a police blotter and a police report. it was my first time to go to our local police station to do some 'business' there. it was a good thing that the policewoman was nice enough to give me a police report.
then i went to LTO to finally get it done, but this government-official-slash-fixer told me she can help speed up the process for 800 pesos. i agreed hoping that i would be able to have my license as soon as possible without waiting. well, it was suposed to be easy but then when i was about to get my license, it had a totally different person on the picture. i mean, come on.. so eventually i had to wait. so i don't know what happened to those people that i had to interview (for our shop). i wasn't able to finish on time. luckily my friend invited me for a snack and i was able to talk to someone else. haha. it's such a good thing to have friend who understands. now, I'm in a much better mood, and i finally have my license. =) and we're planning on a little 'get-away' preferably this july. yey! i'm quite excited..=)
*** random thoughts @
8:10 PM
Sunday, May 09, 2010
whew. i AM so exhausted. of everything. i mean if i have to recall what 2010 has brought me so far, it has not been good --- at all. i don't know what i have done to displease the 'fates' but i have been in the dumps since March and it has gone from bad to worst this April. it's better if no one ever knows what i have been through, but it cannot be ignored. because SOME people just can't be decent enough. worst, they don't even know what the word 'respect' means. if i could only have one confrontation, HE would lose hands down. simply because he doesn't have any right to say anything to me, he couldn't and he wouldn't dare. i could say whatever i like and he would just have to bow down because of shame. i wouldn't miss it for the world, i want to have that memory etched forever on my mind. but, as cowardly as he is, he couldn't and he wouldn't bring himself to a confrontation. and why would he? he is such a coward after all. despite the machismo that he shows to everyone. i KNOW his true colors and despite that and inspite of that, i've accepted him, knowing that there is (or was) something good in him, but i just couldn't believe that he would be this low. maybe the lowest form of life ever created.
i think what made it worst was the realization that i have been with someone who belongs to the lowest specie of life. however, it relieved me in a way because i'm wide awake now. i'm fine, not totally absolutely fine, but i know i would be. i could bring him down, but he could never do that to me. he just couldn't. he doesn't have that prerogative.
but i know the kind of person that i am and despite and inspite of what he did to me, i don't want to ill-wish him, i'm too good for that (or maybe just better than that. hehe.). and if i bring him down, then that wouldn't make us any different from each other. so i'm not doing it. i just wish him all the best. and hopes he straightens up for once. as for me, i'll be fine. i just know it.. =)
*** random thoughts @
7:05 PM
Wednesday, May 05, 2010
wheww.. i'm so tired, literally, figuratively and physically. since the opening of SM Bench, i barely had an hour of leisure, it's exhausting. But, at the same time i'm also thankful. it keeps me busy so that i can forget certain things and a certain person. it's exhausting to think about what happened between us, that's why i HAVE to forget. and somehow i have our shop to thank for it. and now he keeps sending me texts. i mean, what does he want? it was his awesome idea anyway. I just want to erase everything. i haven't replied or said anything for almost 4 days now. i would be better soon. i hope. and i sincerely hope he is happy, because i know that i would be happier the next time, as long as it is not with him. i don't think i could bear that anymore. pray pray pray..=)
*** random thoughts @
8:30 PM
