sigh. just when i thought i was finally moving on, here he goes again, texting me for the past few days, i did not bother to reply --- until yesterday. and it was one of the biggest mistakes i have made in my life. he keeps asking whether i have a grudge on him. i told them i don't have any. at first it was smooth sailing, we talked (although there was a liitle bit of sarcasm on my part). he told me that he wants to work things out. how can we work things out like this? we simply can't. and so came our worst exchange of messages ever. never in my life did it ever occur to me that he would be able to say those words to me. although he said 'sorry' after saying that (he jumped to the wrong conclusion). still, the damage has already been done. and this is the worst kind of damage that he has caused so far. far worst than the break-up, far worst than finding out that he found someone else that fast --- just days after the break up. this has got to hurt the most. i'm not going to put in my entry what he said to me through text messages because it still hurt. and what added insult to injury was the fact that he even had the nerve to say those things to me. wow. i just can't believe it. i have to congratulate him the moment i see him.

However, being THE 'good' girl that i am, (i have to stop being a good girl for once. i mean, really. so that i wouldn't be taken for granted anymore.) I sent him a final text message. devoid of any anger, devoid of any sarcasm and resentment. i told him that we have to stop holding on to each other. because i think the reason why we kept on hurting each other (until now), was that we don't want to lose each other in a way. no matter how selfish it would seem, we don't want to lose each other. somehow, or maybe unconsciously, we think that we could save what we have left in the future. but it has to stop. even though it hurts and will hurt. it has to stop. because if it doesn't i wouldn't be able to move forward. i'll always dwell on the past, and i'll always remember the pain he caused me.

that's why i took the last ounce of strength i had in me last night and told him that i am letting him go. finally, i am letting us go. i thanked him for everything. i wished him all the best, and i hoped that he would be truly happy. because that's the kind of person that i am. no matter how much i wanted to treat anyone badly, i still can't do it. i'd take the step, but i'd retreat and i'd still feel sorry even if i shouldn't. even if they deserved it, i still feel sorry. i am still the one taking blow, the one taking the fall. sure, it hurt. it still hurt and i know it will hurt. but i have to take a step forward or else i'd be stuck. that is why i am finally letting him go. i am finally letting it all go.